Tuesday, September 22, 2009


I'm finding it hard to be positive these days. I don't want to sound like a grumpy old man, but I hear my increasingly critical voice echoing in my ears, like a tumultous wave breaking on dangerous rock, beating it futilely, waiting for the millenia to pass, ever so quickly, so that the incessant waves will eventually conquer the rocks, until they exhibit a smooth face; so when I walk on them they will not cut into me feet, mocking my soul, as they do now.

I have just awakened from a long dream, dropped into this world unwillingly, never to depart, never to meld into today, but always destined to live in a yesterday and tomorrow, a stranger in somebody else's place, displaced in my own time and universe.

To cry or to scream is my only sign of hope. I no longer believe in you, or your convictions. I believe only in myself; not the myself of today, but the myself of my past; of perhaps the myself of your future. Your future be can one day be my future, the future I saw when I was young, when I believed that my friends and I were all good, when I believed then the unknown strangers of our life deserved happiness and health, all men and women were deserving of God's gentle hand. That time is gone.

I know longer believe in God. Perhaps I never did; but I do miss the self-deception. I am saddened by my loss of faith, and trust, and belief. But tomorrow, when the sun rises, when the dark cloud of my night retreats as a coward should in the brilliance of a new day, God will return and I will be positive again, young again, hopeful again. Despair will be washed by another new wave, a new millenium will be reached, and my shore will be smooth again. Maybe I can live in the present without bleeding feet.


Blogger xoxo said...

Hi, Cliff, I really like your words!
I willing to mive to LA to study with u!
I was trying to mail u at cliff@cliffosmond.com
but the mail keeps coming back with a permanent error message.
There's any other email address I can contact u or your staff about some details?
my email is victoriadaluz53@gmail.com

6:40 PM  

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