Alone

I told my wife wanted to be alone.

So I went on a walk on the Promenade in Santa Monica, CA.

There is nothing more wonderfully, beautifully alone,
than wandering in the midst of a gathered crowd;
I looked at my watch; 3:30 in the afternoon, after lunch, and before the nighttime crowd gathers.
Perfect.

I saw a restaurant.
It looked promising.
Maybe I'd go there.
So I went in.
I looked around.

At a back table, I saw a lovely lady, sitting alone.
She sat facing the door.
She was looking around.
I looked down at the table in front of her.
One place setting.
Nobody was going to join her.

I looked at the menu, asked the maitre de about hours of service.
I looked at the back table lady again.
She really didn't seem to want to be alone.
But I did.
I continued on my way, back onto the Promenade.

I saw an old man seated on a bench.
He didn't seem to want to be alone either.
He stared at everyone.
He looked into my eyes.
I averted them.

I went into a bar.
People everywhere.
Perfect.
Everyone seemed together.
I didn't have to talk to anyone.
Perfect.

Until I saw a young man who was seated at a table, alone.
He was facing the crowd, like the lady at the restaurant.
He was looking around, too.

I averted his eyes, too, quickly decided to sit at the bar.
Alone.
I would have a rare afternoon beer.
There was only one seat available.
Next to someone.

A seat opened up at the corner of the bar.
I moved there.
The bartendress served me a beer.
Without looking.
Perfect.
I watched a soccer game.

Ten minutes later, I resumed my walk on the Promenade.
Suddenly lonely people seemed to be everywhere.

I thought: Maybe I wasn't the only one who wanted to be alone.

Then I thught: On the contrary; maybe I was.

Maybe the others, unlike me, had to be alone.

Then I thought:

Why do they have to be alone?
Why don't lonely people walk up to one another?
Why don't they just walk up and..just...talk to one another?
Unlike me, they didn't choose to be alone today.
They can reach out.
They can join one another and talk about their loneliness.
Loneliness is hell...unless you want it, right?

Then I thought.

Maybe that's not such a good idea:
Maybe, if they talk to one another, they might find out why they are alone:
Meanness.
Selfishness.
Ignorance.
Incurious.
Fear.
Uncertainty.
Cowardliness.

I went home.
Unmasked.
My wife smiled when I came through the door.
I didn't.

Later I did.
A lot.