A SENIOR'S BIGOTRY CARD
I AM PROPOSING A NEW GOVERNMENTAL PROGRAM: A SENIOR CITIZEN’S BIGOTRY DISCOUNT CARD.
“You can’t teach an old dog new trick.” This is not a hard and fast rule; in some cases it’s possible. Seniors who want to change deserve some respect for trying to change, even if they can’t right away. Senior citizen's bigooted attitudes may seem bigoted today, but they are in reality outdated conventional wisdom. After all, had our seniors, as children not adhered to the outmoded ideas of their parents and society, they would have been chastised and punished as disrespectful, rebellious, over worse, weird. So as a sign of appreciation and encouragement to present day seniors to reduce their bigotry, every senior citizen should be allowed at least six bigotry slips-of-the-tongues a year.
At the age of sixty-five, all seniors get a little card, good for the upcoming year—to be punched by the Thought Police, if you will, (with right of appeal to the ACLU). Every time a senior says ‘spic’ or ‘Polak’ or ‘right-to-life’ or ‘blacks naturally jump higher than whites’ or ‘crippled’ or ‘crazy in the head’ or ’women require less sex than men’ (I tried to type in the word ‘nigger’ into my computer, but the red line beneath it kept coming up, telling me that the English language didn’t recognize the word; it suggested I substitute the word “Niger”—but I desisted; it seemed prejudicial to the country of Niger) the offending senior’s ‘Senior’s Bigot Discount’ card would get punched. And no societal, legal, social or psychologicalpunishment will accrue for any senior citizen, until he or she exceeds six hole-punches in the given year.
This idea granting some latitude for bigotry to the elderly would be very au current in our free enterprise/regulatory climate today. The same people who monitor the trading of smog-reduction credits could devise a market for trading bigotry-reduction credits. Exchanging their bigotry credits would give an incentive to seniors to restrict their use of bigoted remarks so they could trade their unused one for eyeglasses, hemorrhoid medicine, viagra or...the possibilities are endless.
Fairness, compassion and tolerance for the aged compels us to understand the difficulties of aged zebras attempting to change their stripes (or is it leopards changing their spots?) Bigotry is an old, learned condition. Seniors want to change. They do. They sincerely desire to change, but the bones are brittle, the flesh is weak, and the muscle…especially the brain… grows excessively inelastic as the years accumulate.
Only six slips a year per senior is not too much to ask, is it? A simple ‘fag’ or ‘pussy’ or ‘Chink’ should not be all that threatening to the rest of us, especially when it is uttered by a little old gray-hair lady, or a doddering old man. Remember the rest of us (PC-ly correct people) are only a few decades away from being senior citizens ourselves. Fifty years or less from now we might need the latitude to be politically incorrect. Imagine in 2056 when George Bush turns out truly to be greater than Lincoln, Asians DO demonstrate scientifically higher IQ’s then blacks and whites, we need our guns to fight the worldwide Muslim revolution and future generations have genetically mutated beyond the possibility of conception and yearn to have children more than anything else in life...and we old-juniors/now-seniors are still defending Al Gore, ethnic equality, gun-banning and abortion-rights. Wouldn’t we want the latitude, as seniors, to slip up once in a while—six times a year--and scream: ‘George Bush is a dummy...he stole the election from Al Gore’ ‘There are no differences between races’, and ‘Guns kill!’, and ‘Roe vs. Wade’ is judicial poetry!’ We wouldn’t want to be severely ostracized for it, would we?
A little permissible bigotry for the aged surely can’t wreck a great country like ours.
“You can’t teach an old dog new trick.” This is not a hard and fast rule; in some cases it’s possible. Seniors who want to change deserve some respect for trying to change, even if they can’t right away. Senior citizen's bigooted attitudes may seem bigoted today, but they are in reality outdated conventional wisdom. After all, had our seniors, as children not adhered to the outmoded ideas of their parents and society, they would have been chastised and punished as disrespectful, rebellious, over worse, weird. So as a sign of appreciation and encouragement to present day seniors to reduce their bigotry, every senior citizen should be allowed at least six bigotry slips-of-the-tongues a year.
At the age of sixty-five, all seniors get a little card, good for the upcoming year—to be punched by the Thought Police, if you will, (with right of appeal to the ACLU). Every time a senior says ‘spic’ or ‘Polak’ or ‘right-to-life’ or ‘blacks naturally jump higher than whites’ or ‘crippled’ or ‘crazy in the head’ or ’women require less sex than men’ (I tried to type in the word ‘nigger’ into my computer, but the red line beneath it kept coming up, telling me that the English language didn’t recognize the word; it suggested I substitute the word “Niger”—but I desisted; it seemed prejudicial to the country of Niger) the offending senior’s ‘Senior’s Bigot Discount’ card would get punched. And no societal, legal, social or psychologicalpunishment will accrue for any senior citizen, until he or she exceeds six hole-punches in the given year.
This idea granting some latitude for bigotry to the elderly would be very au current in our free enterprise/regulatory climate today. The same people who monitor the trading of smog-reduction credits could devise a market for trading bigotry-reduction credits. Exchanging their bigotry credits would give an incentive to seniors to restrict their use of bigoted remarks so they could trade their unused one for eyeglasses, hemorrhoid medicine, viagra or...the possibilities are endless.
Fairness, compassion and tolerance for the aged compels us to understand the difficulties of aged zebras attempting to change their stripes (or is it leopards changing their spots?) Bigotry is an old, learned condition. Seniors want to change. They do. They sincerely desire to change, but the bones are brittle, the flesh is weak, and the muscle…especially the brain… grows excessively inelastic as the years accumulate.
Only six slips a year per senior is not too much to ask, is it? A simple ‘fag’ or ‘pussy’ or ‘Chink’ should not be all that threatening to the rest of us, especially when it is uttered by a little old gray-hair lady, or a doddering old man. Remember the rest of us (PC-ly correct people) are only a few decades away from being senior citizens ourselves. Fifty years or less from now we might need the latitude to be politically incorrect. Imagine in 2056 when George Bush turns out truly to be greater than Lincoln, Asians DO demonstrate scientifically higher IQ’s then blacks and whites, we need our guns to fight the worldwide Muslim revolution and future generations have genetically mutated beyond the possibility of conception and yearn to have children more than anything else in life...and we old-juniors/now-seniors are still defending Al Gore, ethnic equality, gun-banning and abortion-rights. Wouldn’t we want the latitude, as seniors, to slip up once in a while—six times a year--and scream: ‘George Bush is a dummy...he stole the election from Al Gore’ ‘There are no differences between races’, and ‘Guns kill!’, and ‘Roe vs. Wade’ is judicial poetry!’ We wouldn’t want to be severely ostracized for it, would we?
A little permissible bigotry for the aged surely can’t wreck a great country like ours.
posted by Cliff Osmond at 11:01 AM
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